Toby's Issues: Drugs in Sports

There has been a lot of what I would call useless talk lately about drugs in sports. “What drugs can players use? What can't they use? What vitamins? Who's using them? How have they compromised the system?”

People, please! This is not a real issue! We have more important things to worry about. The drugs thing is just a smokescreen to distract you and keep you from complaining about overly expensive new stadiums that were built at your expense, some of which were built by knocking down your neighborhoods, overpriced tickets, beers and hot dogs, and, more largely, how the sports team owners are in cahoots with the government!

In any case, like most things that have to with wars on drugs, I don't see what the big deal is. What are we worried about, the harm it does to the players? If we were worried about that, we'd outlaw football altogether. Do you know how many NFL linemen have trouble walking by age 50? They sacrifice their bodies for our pleasure, and profit!

The real question is, what do we want from sports? ENTERTAINMENT! What do drugs do? Enhance performance! Our problem is not that there are too many drugs in professional sports, but there are too few! Drugs should not just enhance performance, they should enhance entertainment! We should have more drugs in sports! Imagine, a football game where every player had to do a nitrous balloon before every play! Imagine a soccer game where it was required to drink a bottle of Robitussin before each half! How about a professional darts, golf, or bowling match with all competitors on LSD? (We'd probably have to install Plexiglas between the players' space and the audience, but no matter!) The scores might be lower, but man, think of the stories you could tell! That's ENTERTAINMENT!

Let's not fight this fight, people. Let's encourage drug use. Let's make them mandatory in professional sports. Let's enjoy our sporting events without scandal. And let's get back to more important issues: rent, jobs, healthcare, education, economic reform, growing businesses, and living a fulfilled life.

Yours in the Struggle,

Toby Morton Candidate for Mayor of NYC